Vicodin VS. Percocet

For the first 6 days post-accident, I managed my pain with a prescription for percocet. (I finally looked up the spelling - before posting this but after creating my scientific graph). Taken every 6 hours, percocet eliminates pain by eliminating all higher brain functions. 

As you can see from this graph, the percoceted brain spends very little time in the pain-crazy region on the bottom. Unfortunately, it speeds through the green lucid region quite quickly, spending no more than 20 minutes here on it's way up or down. These 20 minutes are important to perform necessary bodily functions like eating and peeing, leaving little time to apply rational thought to other pursuits. The brain spends the majority of it's time in the upper drug-crazy portion of the graph, reaching it's peak just short of actual coma. During this time the brain's main goals are to stare at pretty colors and drool as much as possible. Friends and family should be cautioned that during these times, the brain is capable of gross motor functions such as picking up the phone, but should not be expected to remember any ensuing conversation, nor held responsible for its content.

Having tired of the unpleasant sensation of drowning in my own brain, I decided on the 7th day not to take any medication. This worked out great for the first few hours, as I was able to operate the microwave to make my own breakfast, read my book, and respond intelligently to some emails. Unfortunately, it only took about 2 hours to get equally tired of being in severe pain. I lost all will to move from my trusty 45 degree angle lawn chair, and along with the broken vertebrae rediscovered my throbbing concussion which I'd falsely believed I'd recovered from. Just being in constant pain is exhausting, and I soon found myself semi-comatose for a very different reason, although I still maintain both reasons are equally unpleasant.

I finally swallowed a percocet and went to bed early. The next morning, I again avoided taking any medication because I had an appointment with a neurosurgeon as a follow-up to my ER visit, and I wanted to be lucid when making medical decisions. Aside from all the "how crushed is your spine" conversation, the nurse reported that I had a fever and heartrate far higher than it should have been for my state of complete inactivity. The doctor explained that, contrary to my belief, pain is not just an unpleasant symptom but is actually very hard on your body. Being in constant extreme pain is actually very physically stressful, in addition to being pretty emotionally stressful. In other words, stop trying to "man up", the pain medication is your friend. In other words, "NO Emily. BAD Emily. Take your pills!"

I explained that the percocet was having an unpleasant lobotomizing side effect, and that I flat out refused to ever take it again, regardless of sound medical advice. So he wrote me a prescription for vicodin, which he described as "just like percocet, but less intense, which is why most people prefer percocet". Those people must like their brains less than I do. Or maybe, it doesn't hit them as hard, and I just have a wimpy brain, easily smacked down into submission by big scary opiates.

Either way, I promised to give the vicodin a try. As you can see from the graph, vicodin has a similar brain effect curve, except that this curve is red and also lower on the graph. The vicodined brain spends more time in the pain-crazy portion of the graph than the percoceted brain, but it does bring these times up into the bearable zone. In addition, the brain spends less time in the drug-crazy zone and at a far less intense level, peaking at a mild buzz during which memory remains intact and stairs are generally climbable. Most importantly, the brain spends significantly more time in the green lucid region of the graph, and arrives at it gently rather than crashing through at high speed. Disorientation is minimized and the brain can enjoy activities such as cooking, talking, and watching non-shameful movies and tv shows.

Conclusion: Vicodin is way awesomer than Percocet.
Brought to you by: Science!!