My friend Coby has a special talent for internet research. Like you'll be talking to her on the phone and casually mention how you've been craving some obscure dish you used to eat when you lived in Sicily, and 2 minutes later she'll be like "oh by the way, there are 3 restaurants in a 20 mile radius of you that make that - one got poor reviews but another one delivers to your zip code! I just emailed you a coupon." So when I came up empty for ideas for things to do which are not physically demanding, she sent me a link to the Boulder events calendar. I realize that looking up a local events calendar is not that impressive, but that doesn't mean that Coby herself isn't impressive, and I wanted to give her a proper introduction.
Two things immediately caught my eye among the daily salsa dances and free outdoor concerts - well ok, three, but I think there may be an age limit on this one. One is the Boulder Brew Bus: "For the ultimate beer experience, you'll board Banjo Billy's private, funky bus..."
Wow.
They had me at banjo. No, wait, they had me at beer. They almost lost me again at $30, but hey, desperate times.
The other is Boulder Outdoor Cinema. Watching a movie in a lawn chair? I've been training for that all summer! It would be just like how I've spent the last 768 hours of my life, except outdoors, surrounded by lots of other people in lawn chairs. It's like taking a lame, depressing activity and turning it into a fun socially acceptable community event. I'm in! Unfortunately, this didn't seem that exciting to any of the other 5 people I know in this city. Honestly, I can completely understand that. Still, watching a movie alone outside with strangers seemed slightly more appealing than watching a movie alone in my living room, so I put on my Little Engine face, packed a PB&J, and dragged my lawn chair to the car.
Getting from the parking lot with the cars to the parking lot with the movie, finding a spot off to the side with a clear view, and setting up the lawn chair was strenuous. Between the chair, water bottle, dinner, and book I was probably exceeding my cargo capacity. But I got all set up, sank into my trusty lawn chair, and felt the familiar relaxing 45 degree angle. Ahhhhh. The breeze was blowing, the trees were shading, the mountains were looking all majestic in the background. They had live music, snacks, and hula hoops. Kids were running around barefoot, people were eating, drinking, playing cards, laughing. It was downright pastoral.
Then a guy shows up with several large bags and politely asks if he can "set up shop" in the empty 4'x5' space directly in front of me. I was surprised to be asked, but told him to feel free. Lounging on his queen sized air mattress, he definitely wasn't going to block my view, and I was inwardly pleased to see that I was not the only lame...er... confident, independent person going to the movie alone.
Then his date showed up. High heels, fancy dress, nervous giggle - she was trying a bit too hard for the occasion, I'm thinking first date, or at least early date. Then the guy produces some food from his many bags: fresh-baked bread, brie, two plastic wine glasses, and 3 different varieties of fruit juice so he could be sure he had one she liked. Definitely a first date. He then proceeds to pull more food from the bag, until he has a 5-course meal arrayed on the airbed which could have fed a family of 12. I know you'll think that's hyperbole, but it's not - and if I exaggerated even the slightest from the truth, you would just think I was being ridiculous and it would lose its impact.
Now, I don't begrudge people having a first date, even a wildly over-the-top first date. I happen to think going all out on occasions like dates, Halloween, 4th of July, and birthdays is both appropriate and fabulous. It's just that usually, when two people are doing their awkward "I want to touch you but I don't want to look like I want to touch you so I'm going to sit in a way that makes me 'accidentally' touch you and then see if anyone pulls away" dance as they try to figure out how to sit/lay in an appropriate yet not uptight manner on a squishy airbed, I don't have to witness it from 3" away. Add to this scene my extremely limited ability to turn my head in other directions, and it was awkward to say the least. I should add that they were both polite and friendly, and in addition to asking permission to sit in front of me the guy offered to share their all-you-can-eat picnic with me. I politely declined. 7 times. And proceeded to eat my PB&J before I was exactly hungry just to lay to rest their fears that I might be secretly starving.
I have to admit they at least provided me with entertainment before the entertainment. The band was good, the weather was pleasant, and I tried very hard to zen myself into enjoying how pretty the mountains looked without being bitter that I wasn't currently hanging from the side of one of them. As the sun went down and the previews began to roll, a very large, very inebriated man stumbled up behind me, then stumbled onto me, then sorta rolled/stumbled off of me again and stumbled off into the bushes, mumbling in a slurry sort of way. I was laying in my lawn chair, which supports you if you lay on it, but if you are to push on the back of the chair in the opposite direction, it offers no resistance. This is the direction in which 200 lbs. of drunk guy fell onto me, then pushed off of me to try to stand up again. As everyone knows, being drunk makes you not only less coordinated but also much heavier. This forced my head forward and bent my torso in exactly the way I am really not supposed to, and I felt sharp pain in my back worse than any since - well, since the last time a guy fell on my head.
At this point in the story, you may be wondering "Who on earth pre-games The Princess Bride?" The movie hadn't even started yet and this guy seemed about 10 drinks farther in than is really warranted for 8pm at a family event. My dad, at this point in the story, was wondering "Did you get his insurance information?" I reminded him of the drunkenness. He said "Being drunk doesn't absolve you of your legal responsibilities." I tried to explain that while that may be true, there was probably very little a 120 lb. girl in a back brace and a lot of pain could do to enforce the legal responsibilities of a 200 lb. guy who would be hiccupping bubbles if he were a cartoon. Also, that it would probably be wisest to cut my losses and end the interaction between us as quickly as possible. All I was thinking, at this point in the story, was "Ow."
I figured watching a movie in a lawn chair would be pretty safe. It's not like I went out clubbing, I mean who expects someone to land on their head at a kid's movie? What are the chances? My theory is that my spine is cursed. Eric, ever optimistic, reasons that after all this my bad luck must have run out by now, and therefore I can probably do whatever I want from now on. I like his style.
If you're wondering about Banjo Billy and his funky brew bus, I wasn't able to interest anyone else in joining me and decided that while I couldn't have foreseen being injured by a drunken lout at an outdoor kid's movie, I would probably just be asking for trouble climbing onto a beer-tasting tour bus unaccompanied. Maybe next year.
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